Examples of Good Content in a Body of an Email

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD EMAILS

Blog entries February 24 showing Bad Content:  Feb.24 Blog Entry

Example 1 revised: 

SUBJECT LINE:  PROJECT ON SAVING THE SEALS

Dear Amy Write,

Thank you for the project information you sent over on Saving the Seals fundraiser.  After our review we have come up with the following questions:

1.  How many other companies are involved in the fund raising of, "Saving the Seals?"
2.  Who will be our contact at "Saving the Seals"?  

Will we have any company Expenses such as:

1.  Do we need to send employees during work hours for volunteer work?
2.  Will our company need to pay for the meals and travel expenses for the volunteer work?

A meeting is scheduled to go over the listed questions on April 3, 2013 at 1 pm in our offices.  A that time we will make the final decision on the amount we will allocate for this project.

Regards,

Melinda Filice
Manager of Advertising & Promotions


Example 2 revised:

SUBJECT LINE:  EMPLOYEE BENEFITS 

Amy,

We have been receiving employee requests to restructure our employee benefit plan that will keep up with what they feel is industry standard.  These requests are coming through our employee feedback questionnaire program that is sent out to employees on a semi yearly basis.

Our plan does not cover the following:
1. Long Term disability or life insurance.  
2. Registered services, such as, chiropractors & physiotherapists
3. Teeth cleanings, twice a year


Offering these benefits to employees will keep a competitive edge with other companies.   As a company we should do what we can to build and keep good employees.

Our current employee benefit plan provides:
1.  50% coverage on doctor prescription
2.  25% coverage on dental procedures, excluding cleanings

Our coverage is below the standard by 25% on each item.  We have collected data from the Human Resource Employment Standards Organization to prove this statistic.

With the above changes to our plan our cost will increase to: $24.60  per employee.
During the first year of this benefit change the cost can be in-place of employee increases.

Our benefit plan renewal is due March 25th.  Please let me know if I can make these changes before March 25.

Thank you Amy.

Sincerely,

M. Mazza
HR Department

These examples above are improved from bad emails to good emails.  

My first example was a response email from a request  for a fundraising project.  It needed more clarity on what was involved for this project and what the expenses would be. Some of my adjustments were, not to underline the subject lines, and I added numbering to have a well formatted email for easy reading.  The closing line lets them know when a decision will be made.

My second example was based on a request email. I used the direct approach writing exactly what I wanted in the first statement.  I added the 'you' approach and started what the benefits we could receive and left the costs until the end.  I kept the email professional by leaving out any personal conversations and I closed with a deadline request to receive feedback.